What is love?

What is “love“?

An emotion? A feeling?

Butterflies in the stomach?

Or is it a social convention?

Something that serves to mask our need for pleasure?

A shiny little lure to sell more chocolates (or condoms?) on Valentine’s Day?

Let’s try to see things clearly…

Introduction • “Love,” an analogical concept

A few months ago, I came across this aphorism attributed to Gabriel Laub (1928-1998), a Polish journalist and writer:

A bit cynical, isn’t it?

However, I’d like to defend this statement because it reveals something true.

What?

The fact that 4 out of 5 people…

…9 out of 10 people…

…999 out of 1000 people…

…when they say “I love YOU,” they actually mean “You make ME feel good.”

Those who use the expression “I love you” often don’t want to describe an act that originates from them and is directed towards their partner (love towards the partner); instead, it’s something that originates from the partner and is directed towards them (the satisfaction it brings).

In fact, many people believe that the pursuit of love consists of this:

In reality, it’s not wrong to call this thing “love” (don’t shoot me, I’ll explain better now!!!).

In fact, the concept of love is fundamentally analogical, meaning it takes on different senses depending on the context…

… as Benedict XVI wrote:

A few months ago, I found in a book a (possible) classification, according to which there are four forms of love:

• Amor complacentiae
• Amor concupiscentiae
• Amor benevolentiae
• Amor amicitiae

Yes, it’s true: the Latin names might make you lose interest in reading further.

However, let’s try to understand together what they mean.

I’ll try to be as clear as possible.

1 • “Amor complacentiae” – Following nature

This is the simplest level of love and is found almost everywhere in the animal world: the rooster is attracted to the hen; the peahen to the peacock; the bee to the flower, and so on.

As you may infer from the definition, it is a form of attraction strongly influenced by passions…

…So, if you belong to the Homo sapiens species, you need a bit of caution before following it blindly, or else you might make wrong decisions.

Disclaimer: There is nothing wrong with experiencing this love towards a person!

We are all limited beings: we all desire to fill the emptiness within us, and we all need to increase our well-being. The most elementary way through which nature inclines us towards good is through passions.

As I mentioned when talking about passions, emotions, and feelings, these internal impulses that drive us towards what is good for us should not be repressed but balanced in our lives! 🙃

2 • “Amor concupiscentiae” – Rationally tending towards what makes us better

The amor concupiscentiae is the tendency of the rational appetite towards what makes us better.

In simpler terms: if in the previous section, we talked about love moved by nature, in this case, love is guided by reason.

This type of love is found in expressions like:

• “I love Scotland!”
• “I love art!”
• “I love studying!”
• “I love Tolkien’s books!”

This form of love (like the previous one) primarily concerns the loving subject and not the loved object.

In what sense?

If I say, “I love Scotland” or “I love art,” I do not mean “I desire the good of Scotland” or “I desire the good of art.”

When I utter these phrases, I actually mean something “opposite,” which concerns me, not what I love… in other words (sticking to the four examples given earlier):

• “Visiting Scotland reminds ME of when I was a child!”
• “Contemplating works of art fills MY head with thoughts!”
• “Studying makes ME a better person!”
• “Reading Tolkien’s books strikes chords in ME that I didn’t think I had!”

Aaaaanyway…

…many people, when they say they “love,” stop at these two forms I described:

• following nature (“amor complacentiae”)
• seeking someone who makes me better (“amor concupiscentiae”)

3 • “Amor benevolentiae” – Wanting the good for others

Love of benevolence is the first form of love directed towards another person; Aristotle defined it as “wanting the true good of the other as other” (cf. ARISTOTLE, Rhetoric II.4).

In this case, the will is directed towards a good outside of oneself.

An example of love of benevolence is what God feels towards the Facebook admin of your local parish…

The “amor benevolentiae” is based on these three steps:

• Affirming the other in being, i.e., wanting the loved person to exist, being happy that they are there, regardless of the satisfaction this may cause in us;
• Desiring the fullness of the other: wishing that the loved one may be as perfect as possible, flourish, find their place in the world, bear fruit, reach the fullness of their vocation, and be happy;
• Dedicating ourselves to the person we love, rolling up our sleeves to help them (according to our possibilities and limits) achieve the previous point.

4 • “Amor amicitiae” – Sharing love

At this point, someone might ask: “But why isn’t the love between husband and wife among the four ‘types of love’ you talked about?“

The answer is that – in reality – the love between husband and wife is A form (indeed, THE highest form) of “amor amicitiae” (love of friendship):

Going back to the passage by Benedict XVI quoted earlier (where he noted that the word “love” has many meanings), the pope goes on:

Conclusion

E-A-C-H of these four aspects of love can be lived Christianly.

That is, fully.

That is, in a true, beautiful, and good way.

The “amor amicitiae” is the one on which the Gospels particularly dwell (cf. for example Jn 15):

Or, to put it in the words of Paul of Tarsus:

salt

(Summer 2021)